My brother, my abuser

i am an incest survivor.  One of my abusers is a brother.  He is an alcoholic and has COPD and other health problems.  I call to check up on him and for the past couple of days he has not returned my call.  It’s not easy  for me to deal with him,  I get angry really quickly and he has no idea why.  But I worry about him and so tomorrow if he hasn’t yet called back I will go to his home to check on him.  It makes my skin crawl to be in his apartment even though the abuse was so long ago.  Much of my anger gets directed inwardly towards me!  How is that even fair?  But for some weird reason I feel some blame.  I feel like if only I was smarter, older, faster, different then perhaps it would not have happened.  And I feel guilty. This is one of the things I am trying to work through with therapy but it’s difficult to explain.  How can a person be a victim and and yet be responsible in some way?  It’s a contradiction in terms and I hate it!  Anybody else feel like that?

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