One after effect of abuse, both sexual and physical , is I hate to be touched. Doesn’t matter by whom, male or female: it’s the same. Even by people I love and trust. Sex is a no-go as well of course. Touch is touch, all touch is bad as far as I am concerned.
Partly, I have this delusion that what happened to me, happened because of me. Not that I did anything to encourage it, or cause it, but simply because I existed. So, it was my fault and I feel deep shame and guilt. I was just a little kid, 7 years old. NOT MY FAULT NOT MY FAULT NOT MY FAULT. But it feels like my fault.
Also I have a huge startle reflex. If I am surprised I jump so bad, and cry out! Really, I yell! Scares me and who ever it was that surpised me. A lot! Then they feel bad, I feel bad. This can happen even with people I love and trust.
Anyone else feel like this?