Childhood abuse NOT MY FAULT!

One after effect of abuse,  both sexual and physical , is I hate to be touched.  Doesn’t matter by whom,  male or female: it’s the same.  Even by people I love and trust.  Sex is a no-go as well of course.  Touch is touch,  all touch is bad as far as I am concerned.

Partly, I have this delusion that what happened to me,  happened because of me.  Not that I did anything to encourage it, or cause it,  but simply because I existed.  So,  it was my fault and I feel deep shame and guilt.  I was just a little kid,  7 years old.  NOT MY FAULT NOT MY FAULT NOT MY FAULT.  But it feels like my fault.

Also I have a huge startle reflex.  If I am surprised I jump so bad,  and cry out!  Really, I yell!  Scares me and who ever it was that surpised me.  A lot!  Then they feel bad, I feel bad.  This can happen even with people I love and trust.

Anyone else feel like this?

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