Survivor childhood sex abuse and abuse by violent nuns in catholic schools and PTSD

Here’s one bad effect that is always with me.  I never, ever feel like I belong anywhere. I always feel like I am there on sufferance.  And I can’t wait to get back to my apartment: my sanctum santorum where I can be alone again.

And I have a hard time leaving my safe place.   I completely withdrew for almost 3 years,  no family no friends. If someone invited me someplace I would accept but then UH OH!  too sick to go,  so sad,  thanks, but can’t go.  Now I am afraid I have hurt so many others by this self imposed exile I force my self to go.

Then comes the hard part: try to act normal while planning my escape.  My skin crawls,  I get sweaty,  anxiety grows- it’s not easy.  Sometimes I just drift out without saying goodbye.  I just disappear.   I think that’s called an Irish leave.  A couple of my loved ones know that I have reached a tipping point and I gotta get out!  Just gotta get out!!!  I think they understand.  I hope they do.

What about you?  Ever feel like this?

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