Anxiety! and I thought it was a breakthrough

I’ve been seeing a counselor for several months now.  This is the 5th one in 30 years of struggle to overcome the problems stemming from incest and childhood abuse.  He’s has really helped a lot.  I had just about completely isolated myself and I was basically afraid to leave my apartment and on those occasions I did,  I couldn’t wait to get home-  I was so sure something awful was going  to happen.  Not sure what exactly, but something and it was dire!!  And I woke up every day trying to think of a reason not to kill myself that day.  Sometimes the reason was just that I had to pick up a book on reserve at the library.

He said I have PTSD.  I don’t really know about that, but I sure have some symptoms.  I really like him, he’s very smart,  he calls me on my bullshit when he sees it and I am trying very hard to go out. Partly because I’m afraid I have alienated every friend, every relative with all my lies and excuses.  It’s still very hard but I try and if I go to a party of something I try to stay to the end or at least as long as I can.

The weird thing is that he is a Christian and I am a non-believer. I don’t care that he is,  but it seems strange that we could connect at all as I still have a great deal of anger about the violent nuns I had in a catholic orphanage.  oh, and he is a right wing nut job neo-con christian and i am a flaming liberal.

Anyway,  we will be skipping a meeting this week and I am barely able to breathe due to anxiety .  And I resent it that it seems like I need him or anyone like him so much.  It’s scary and I hate it.  Usually this level of anxiety would lead to a panic attack.  I am trying my breathing exercises….2 long slow,  2 regular,  2 long slow.  And waiting and remembering that no matter how hard every hour only has 60 minutes.  this too shall pass.  may pass.  it could pass in awhile

so, that’s weird right?  what about you?


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