Healing and sadness. Mourning over giving up my coping strategies. Well, the ones that made me ever sicker

I’ve had some of these behaviors for a long, long time.  Some are bad,  like the way I isolate to avoid stressers.  But in that isolation I avoid family and friends and I lie about why I can’t go out.  The real reason is I’m afraid to go out,  something terrible will happen to my home if I’m not here to prevent it,  something could happen to me while I’m out.  I don’t know except I’m sure it’s awful.  So my world has become smaller and smaller

Like distrust.  I pretty much don’t trust anyone new and if I meet someone new I watch them a long time.  well not them exactly but their actions.  Actions speak louder than words, I believe that.  So I watch.  But once I do trust someone I am inordinately loyal. I guess that’s good.

I hate to be touched.  Really by anyone.  My friends and family think that doesn’t apply to them, but oh for sure it does.  My reasoning is that all the child abuse, the incest, the violent nuns, the neglect:    that all of this was somehow my fault.  Not by something I did but simply because I existed.  My fault.  And my delusion was that somehow they were able to figure out that they could misuse me because they felt it by touching me.  they could feel it was my fault.  I know that’s delusional.  But it feels so real.

And i’m so accustomed to these demons,  I know them well.   If I were to let them go, release them to hell,  what would replace them?

How does one begin to act normal and what exactly is normal?

Do you know?


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