incest. fault schmault and anger

I am an incest survivor.  It’s been a long time since it all happened, but it happened over many years and there were several different abusers and it damaged me and some of my coping mechanisms that i developed later hurt me again

But I know one thing for sure.  It was not my fault.  I was not a little seducer,  not Lolita.  I did not enourage them or seek them out. I didn’t fight except once which led to a violet rape.  That was the worst.

They took advantage of me,  they were older than me, bigger than me.  We had been in a Catholic orphanage and while there I was beaten many times by violent nuns and at some point I disasociated.  I was “gone” for a long time but its kind of weird and vague.  And when we finally got home I was still very much “zombified”.  So,  I didn’t fight them off- well once,  but that lesson was well learned.  I would hide:  in trees, in my closet, at friends homes, in the cellar,  in trees.  I developed a weird eating disorder, after these events i would find  myself in front of our huge chest freezer in the cellar eating frozen pastries my brother brought home from his job at the local grocery.  Just mindlessly shoving frozen cake, cupcakes, pies in my mouth.  Frozen apples are hard to bite into but it can be done.

As i am working through all this through my therapist says its not my fault. And I know that.  But it feels like my fault,  and it feels like i NEED it to be my fault.  Otherwise its their fault, and its deliberate.

And then isn’t it incumbent on me to be mad? I should be angry at all this mistreatment!  At my parents who were neglectful! At my brothers who cared only for their lust and greed.  Maybe god. certainly Jeebus didn’t answer my prayers!  I should be angry. Right?  But just the thought of that makes my insides freeze and I can’t breathe and I can feel the anxiety rising and incipient panic attack.

oh boy.

And then there’s the Fword.  Forgiveness.

yeah.  sure.

Is it just me?  Someone else must have been there too?  Anybody?

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4 thoughts on “incest. fault schmault and anger

  1. Hello there,

    I’ve not been sexually abused. I can’t even begin to know the pain you’ve been through. One thing I do know, the world is shrinking through transportation and technology. As a result, many people of different faiths are sharing stories that are quite similar regarding severe neglect, physical abuse, indoctrination and rape. You are not alone. You are not crazy. It is not your fault that people hurt you. I’m truly sorry that you went through things that no one should ever go through.

    I don’t know the details of what you’re going through. I wish I could help you. I have been actively looking for a therapist for myself (even seeking for one who might Skype) for a couple of years now. I still need help with my RTS (Religious Trauma Syndrome). I am a deconvert in a tiny town in the Mid South of the U.S. I may not find the help I need. I guess it’s because I’m so far away from anything secular. I also refuse to get help from a religious person since I’m trying to deal specifically with my RTS.

    I hope you find love and understanding on your journey.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. hmm. well that’s me too and i am NOT a believer, but i do weirdly have a christian therapist right now -my 5th over time- therapist not christian. and male. so again, weirdly, he is realy helping me and with my ptsd and if you want privately i could ask him to research and refer someone for you. can’t hurt might help, and i can tell him a secular person if you prefer.
      also, check with the clergy project, they help pastors etc who are deconverting and they may be able to reccomend someone for you. thank you for you sympathy and compassion and i hope you find healing

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I have been through those who deal with RTS and Recovering from Religion for a couple of years. I haven’t gotten anywhere with anyone. I have yet to sit through one session with any therapist since deconverting over three years ago.

        I live in the western part of Tennessee. Not only am I in an extremely religious state, I am in the most extreme part of this religious state. I guess that’s what happens when you border Arkansas and Mississippi.

        Your therapist sounds an awful lot like the dad of someone in my extended family, credentials and all. I doubt if he could help me. I’m afraid that someone like that might refer me to a progressive, gay or liberal Christian or Jewish therapist thinking that they’re similar to atheists. They are not. Either that or some mumbo jumbo New Ager. Yeah, I’m not having that either. Still, if Mr Jesus Therapist might know a sincere secular therapist, it might very much help.

        I thank you for your kindness, Found. I’m honestly more concerned about you actually getting help from your therapist instead of digging for referrals for me. I’m not crazy about his background. However, I won’t judge your sessions if they’re working for you. I celebrate you getting better with you. I’m glad you are finally finding resolve and some sort of contentment at the end of the day. Mental health is so valuable. I can’t remember ever truly being mentally sound.

        I accept my lack of therapy and do the best I can with what I have. Walking away from indoctrination and my abusers at around 40 was the first huge step in my healing process. I have my hubby and two great kids. That’s more than what a lot of new deconverts have. I am also proactive in using my health insurance to at least take care of my body, if nothing else.

        Be encouraged.

        Like

  2. there is a 12 step group Survivors of incest anonymous, you can find them online. not saying you need to actually work the steps as there nis nothing more likely to piss me off than that, but you might find support there too. also, regarding sex abuse in chioldhood the best book i have ever read is Courage to Heal. Continue the fight you are a survivor

    Like

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