I am an incest survivor. It’s been a long time since it all happened, but it happened over many years and there were several different abusers and it damaged me and some of my coping mechanisms that i developed later hurt me again
But I know one thing for sure. It was not my fault. I was not a little seducer, not Lolita. I did not enourage them or seek them out. I didn’t fight except once which led to a violet rape. That was the worst.
They took advantage of me, they were older than me, bigger than me. We had been in a Catholic orphanage and while there I was beaten many times by violent nuns and at some point I disasociated. I was “gone” for a long time but its kind of weird and vague. And when we finally got home I was still very much “zombified”. So, I didn’t fight them off- well once, but that lesson was well learned. I would hide: in trees, in my closet, at friends homes, in the cellar, in trees. I developed a weird eating disorder, after these events i would find myself in front of our huge chest freezer in the cellar eating frozen pastries my brother brought home from his job at the local grocery. Just mindlessly shoving frozen cake, cupcakes, pies in my mouth. Frozen apples are hard to bite into but it can be done.
As i am working through all this through my therapist says its not my fault. And I know that. But it feels like my fault, and it feels like i NEED it to be my fault. Otherwise its their fault, and its deliberate.
And then isn’t it incumbent on me to be mad? I should be angry at all this mistreatment! At my parents who were neglectful! At my brothers who cared only for their lust and greed. Maybe god. certainly Jeebus didn’t answer my prayers! I should be angry. Right? But just the thought of that makes my insides freeze and I can’t breathe and I can feel the anxiety rising and incipient panic attack.
And then there’s the Fword. Forgiveness.
Is it just me? Someone else must have been there too? Anybody?