Invisible! I wish I was invisible!

If i were invisible, you could not see me. You could not hurt me.
I could see you and I could anticipate what your agenda is. I could avoid
you and your agenda.
But……………..secretly i mean…………dead.
Well. Not so much dead really, as not alive any more
I don’t want to die, I just don’t want to live like this.
Afraid. Paralyzed almost with fear. Afraid to leave my apartment- something
awful might happen while i was gone. Afraid to go back, and find the awful
thing.
I can’t read your faces, your expressions are meaningless arrangements of features
I have to watch your actions to see how you feel to decide how I should act because
I mostly don’t feel: well. except the obvious: afraid
It’s exhausting and I get a lot wrong

I am not afraid of death. Well, the process maybe. But if I control it, at my decision, it will be pills so, a really long nap

I’m not a believer so that’s not even a consideration. I think when we’re dead, we’re just dead.

But my brother hanged himself. My other brother’s wife shot herself. Both of
these events were devastating. Are still so to me.

And because they suicided, I cannot. I can’t hurt everyone like that.

And frankly I kind of resent it.

But here I am, not invisible, not dead and life goes on. Perhaps it will get better
Anything could happen, who knows?

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