Sometimes I get jealous

when i hear about suicide. You know what they call people who actually do manage
to kill themselves? Completers. They completed the act of suicide I guess. Creepy,right?

And I think, oh those families, I know what they are about to feel. My brother hanged himself and not a day goes by that I don’t miss him. The pain doesn’t go away and the questions will never be answered.

But most mornings I wake up thinking this: today is the day I will kill myself.
And then I think of how terrible it was after Rory, how terrible it still is. So,
no, I can’t kill myself today. I worry that all my nieces and nephews, what if they become filled with despair? And they follow Rory or me. That cannot be allowed.

Part of me resents Rory for doing what I always wanted to do. I’m jealous. And I think he was so much more worth while a human being than I am.

So. Anyway. Not today.


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